Thursday, July 03, 2014


I thought exercise was supposed to produce endorphins that would make me feel better. So why is it that every time I work out all I want to do is cry?

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Reblog This.

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Friday, September 16, 2011

Can we talk?

There are so many times I want to write something here, but I still can't get past the thought of oversharing, or of writing something here that may hurt an unsuspecting reader. Egotistical perhaps given that my blog is not well-read, but that doesn't mean that a loved one wouldn't happen upon this, and since those are the folks in my life, those would be the ones I'm writing about, natch?

I'd like to think that I could write something here, and that anyone reading would understand that sometimes the thoughts just need to come out. That unexpressed emotions and feelings will often fester, to blow up at a later date, or to rot so thoroughly that hope for healing has passed. Hoping for this and trusting in this are two very different things though, so for now, discretion will remain the better part of valor.

If you read this or think of me, think kind thoughts please?!

Thank you.

Friday, August 19, 2011

God laughs at men's plans...

Sheesh, I'm still about as prolific as a sloth.

Update on previous post, WeightWatchers was a fail for me. No knock on the program, it's obviously great for most. My problem was that it made me think about food, and when I think about food, I only really want more food. Yeah, yeah, I know... the entire point is to make you think about what you are eating so that you make better choices, but I'm here to tell you folks, I am really, really good at cutting off my nose to spite my face. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. If there is a way to get in my own way, I'll find it.

That being said, I still want to lose weight... I'll just have to learn to make smarter choices without going thru the rigamarole of counting points. Oh, and I'll have to get up off my butt.

Enough about my butt tho, I'm pretty sure most of it will still be there when next we meet.

Folks, the reason I'm really writing today is that I'm getting that recurring feeling again; the one where I wish I could be in several places at once, the one that always makes me wish there were more time and less distance, the one that makes it next to impossible for me to sit back, enjoy the moment, and just be happy. I always feel like I'm missing out on something, and wondering to myself why is it that what is in front of me is NEVER ENOUGH???

This feeling is compounding by the fact that I am terrified of change, TERRIFIED I SAY!!! I don't really know when this happened to me, hell, a look back on my vagabond kind of life would make a casual observer think that I embrace change with both hands, both legs, and hold it to myself like a precious lover.

However, that would be wrong. Much of the change in my life was thrust upon me and not chosen. As I've grown, I've done everything I can to minimize surprises, consciously and unconsciously, so that the chaos would stop, and for the most part I've gotten there.

But now it's more hurtful than helpful, the thought of making any substantive change in my life brings on the agita. The "unknowns" of any potential change paralyze me, and keep me clinging to the devils I know. The key to this is that I'm a pessimist (another unattractive character trait). On one hand, my natural pessimism keeps me out of trouble, but the dark side to that is that it keeps me frozen and unable to grow.

The interesting thing about this tendency is that I once had a therapist tell me that what I'm doing is very egotistical. The behavior attempts to control things that are uncontrollable, and takes responsibility for things that I have no power over, like I have any say in the matter. It's like wearing the same tired ball-cap because you think if you don't, your team won't win, or to borrow someone else's image, keeping my hands on the wheel when I know that "the wheel is just a talisman, a theater prop that isn’t attached to anything."

Please note that this therapist was not cruel about it, she was simply giving me another perspective. At the time, that was all I was ready for.

My therapist now has taken it further though. When I first started seeing him, he suggested the Serenity Prayer when I find myself anxious about something (no, this is not a 12-step program, but so what if it was!) It has helped with smaller things, but I'm still flummoxed about the larger things in life. But now he has posed a bigger challenge to me.

Like I've stated, my knee-jerk reaction is to see the worst that could happen, and angst over it. What I'm supposed to do now is flip that and ask myself what's the BEST that could happen?

So what is the best that could happen with the changes I see before me? I could be letting go of responsibilities that I really no longer have any business holding on to. I could be freeing myself to new experiences that my current way of life does not allow. I could be simplifying my life in ways that would allow me to pursue and cultivate the relationships that I want to hold dear. Ultimately, I could get everything I think I want.

So that is the challenge before me. I know there will be days where I slip back into my comfortable straitjacket, but now I'll have some graffiti on the padded cell walls that will ask me, "what is the best that can happen?"

Oh yeah, and "take your hands off the wheel".

Friday, June 10, 2011

The monkey on MY back turns out to be just my ASS!

I joined Weight Watchers today. In retrospect, this may be a stupid idea the day before a family clan gathering and a month before I go to Italy for 1.5 weeks. I suppose that what I do have on my side is that I will be staying with family while I'm in Trieste, so I will be less likely to be eating crazy.

I suppose I got all fired up from listening to my friend talk about it last night, and remembering how well others have done on the plan. I'm hoping my phone will help me keep my points in line.

The first and what should probably be the most important reason I'm doing this is that I'm officially diabetic. It ain't "pre" no more. I've been taking medicine for a couple of years now. At first I was scared, but then when the medicine worked I fell into a really bad attitude of "well, it's just part of being older". Please note that I can be an idiot. The hard fact is that I'm simply too young to be taking as much of what I call "old people" medicine (This is my blog, I am not always PC). I'm tired of spending my money on prescription medication for issues that could be entirely preventable if I got my ass in gear. Granted, my family history is working against me, but I figure if I was lucky enough to skip the alcoholic gene, I can do what I need to do to fight the heart-disease/Type II/cancer crap that appears as rotten fruit in my family tree.

The second reason is that I'm tired of being uncomfortable in my clothing. I've made peace with the fact that I'm thick, that I will always have to deal with thigh-rub, and that genetics has blessed me with a "booty". If it weren't for the height difference, I would be virtually indistinguishable from my aunts when viewed from the "rear" (insert Beavis and Butthead laugh here). However, I'm tired of always having to shop in "specialty" stores. I would love to be able to buy something other than shoes, purses, or accessories in most every store. I would love to be able to pull something off the rack and have there be a better than off chance that it would be my size. I don't like to shop (I do like to spend money however, go figure) so I cringe at the thought of special occasions because it means I have to go HUNTING for a dress. Hunting for a bathing suit that doesn't cost $250??? Slim-pickings I tell you.

Third, despite the fact that I have resolved to quit running away from cameras, I still dread having my picture taken. I'm not going to elaborate on this one because we all have our insecurities. Suffice to say I feel like I always look like a puffball. I understand this is only MY perception, but nonetheless, there it is.

Lastly, and I saved this for last because it's actually something positive. I recently discovered that my boyfriend is also interested in experiencing a sky-dive. I would never have guessed it of him, and because it is something that I've always wanted to do, this is now something that I think would be a fantastic "first" for us. I exceed the weight-limit though, so this is while this is my last listed reason, it is ultimately my first goal. I believe it is an attainable one, so, baby-steps.

Folks, keep your fingers crossed for me!

Monday, May 30, 2011

Heard you missed me, I'm BAAAAACCCKKKK!!!

Is it still ok to blog?? A friend of mine told me I need to write, so I am. I don't know where I'm going to go with this.

I was reminded of this blog, which has been hanging out there in the ether for 5 years, because I have been watching Sports Night on Netflix. I was reminded that I'd written about Sorkin before, so I went searching for this thing thinking maybe it had been swallowed up, but nope, still here.

So I'm back, but much has changed. I'm in MD. I'm three jobs out of the one I had when I last wrote, and I'm finally somewhere I think I'll be for a while. I got reacquainted with an old flame, and we sparked again. We are working on our 5th year together. Love is grand, except when it ain't, but it really is.

So my friend that tells me I need to write... he'll probably change his mind after reading some of this drivel... but here it is, or here it will be. Stay tuned???

Monday, October 16, 2006

Yet another TV post

I'm a big Aaron Sorkin fan. I didn't know who he was until The West Wing, and I didn't start watching The West Wing until the first season was over. Fortunately I had a friend who taped all of them and I got to play catch up over a long weekend.

I loved Sports Night when it was out, and was sorely disappointed when it was cancelled. I love A Few Good Men, before I knew it was a Sorkin film, and I loved The American President. Yes, Sorkin has some patent moves; he has perfected the walkalogue, and sometimes he can be overbearing... but he writes smart dialogue, he makes me look things up sometimes, and I really like the fact that he is not afraid to have his characters make a statement, even when I disagree with him. I also admire the fact that he finds actors he likes, and he is loyal to them. He isn't constantly trying to reinvent himself.

So of course I started watching Studio 60. I have to admit that I don't care for the premise... I'm not really a fan of late night tv, so I wasn't sure that I would like this show, seeing as how its all about putting together a late night tv show. After about 4 weeks of the show tho I find myself in love with it; not because of the walkalogue or the smart-ass wisecracks, but because of the love story between two of the main characters. Aaron has written about two people who are split apart by ideology (and now work), but on screen it is palpable that they still care about each other, and that they have the utmost respect for one another. It is uplifting to me. It makes me hope. I don't know whether or not it's pitiful that I gather hope from a television show but even if it is, I'm ok with that. I'm going to hold out for the man who wants to impress me, and who I'll want to be the best person I can be for. I also love that in this show, Christian is not synonymous with Fundamentalism, and that having faith is really a good thing.