Friday, August 19, 2011

God laughs at men's plans...

Sheesh, I'm still about as prolific as a sloth.

Update on previous post, WeightWatchers was a fail for me. No knock on the program, it's obviously great for most. My problem was that it made me think about food, and when I think about food, I only really want more food. Yeah, yeah, I know... the entire point is to make you think about what you are eating so that you make better choices, but I'm here to tell you folks, I am really, really good at cutting off my nose to spite my face. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. If there is a way to get in my own way, I'll find it.

That being said, I still want to lose weight... I'll just have to learn to make smarter choices without going thru the rigamarole of counting points. Oh, and I'll have to get up off my butt.

Enough about my butt tho, I'm pretty sure most of it will still be there when next we meet.

Folks, the reason I'm really writing today is that I'm getting that recurring feeling again; the one where I wish I could be in several places at once, the one that always makes me wish there were more time and less distance, the one that makes it next to impossible for me to sit back, enjoy the moment, and just be happy. I always feel like I'm missing out on something, and wondering to myself why is it that what is in front of me is NEVER ENOUGH???

This feeling is compounding by the fact that I am terrified of change, TERRIFIED I SAY!!! I don't really know when this happened to me, hell, a look back on my vagabond kind of life would make a casual observer think that I embrace change with both hands, both legs, and hold it to myself like a precious lover.

However, that would be wrong. Much of the change in my life was thrust upon me and not chosen. As I've grown, I've done everything I can to minimize surprises, consciously and unconsciously, so that the chaos would stop, and for the most part I've gotten there.

But now it's more hurtful than helpful, the thought of making any substantive change in my life brings on the agita. The "unknowns" of any potential change paralyze me, and keep me clinging to the devils I know. The key to this is that I'm a pessimist (another unattractive character trait). On one hand, my natural pessimism keeps me out of trouble, but the dark side to that is that it keeps me frozen and unable to grow.

The interesting thing about this tendency is that I once had a therapist tell me that what I'm doing is very egotistical. The behavior attempts to control things that are uncontrollable, and takes responsibility for things that I have no power over, like I have any say in the matter. It's like wearing the same tired ball-cap because you think if you don't, your team won't win, or to borrow someone else's image, keeping my hands on the wheel when I know that "the wheel is just a talisman, a theater prop that isn’t attached to anything."

Please note that this therapist was not cruel about it, she was simply giving me another perspective. At the time, that was all I was ready for.

My therapist now has taken it further though. When I first started seeing him, he suggested the Serenity Prayer when I find myself anxious about something (no, this is not a 12-step program, but so what if it was!) It has helped with smaller things, but I'm still flummoxed about the larger things in life. But now he has posed a bigger challenge to me.

Like I've stated, my knee-jerk reaction is to see the worst that could happen, and angst over it. What I'm supposed to do now is flip that and ask myself what's the BEST that could happen?

So what is the best that could happen with the changes I see before me? I could be letting go of responsibilities that I really no longer have any business holding on to. I could be freeing myself to new experiences that my current way of life does not allow. I could be simplifying my life in ways that would allow me to pursue and cultivate the relationships that I want to hold dear. Ultimately, I could get everything I think I want.

So that is the challenge before me. I know there will be days where I slip back into my comfortable straitjacket, but now I'll have some graffiti on the padded cell walls that will ask me, "what is the best that can happen?"

Oh yeah, and "take your hands off the wheel".